Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Attempt at the Quasicanonical.

With sports all in the air (NBA playoffs, Champion's League
Final, ginsoaked horseshoes on 10th Street...) it has come to
me, as if in a sublime sugary vision, that it is necessary for
a new class of shittalk. Allow me to enter into the vernacular,
unless it has already been done and erupted inadvertantly
from the cobwebbed recesses of my sleeping mind, my
offering:

Jelly.

This seems a great candidate for the new "money."

To avoid any confusion with the Dr. Scholl's product, I suggest
expansion of Jelly into all fruit-based condiments as a way of
letting your competitor know that you have bested him. For
example:

If Chauncey Billups drops an unbelievable dime on the Lakers
tonight, as no doubt he will a few times over, he could shout
Jelly!

Say Wayne Rooney puts one past the Barcelona keeper this
afternoon.
Mar-me-lade, bitch!

Or Rashard Lewis comes up with another clutch three?
Preserves.

If he passes it to Hedo?
Elma Jolesi, bayanlar baylar.

If Hedo wants to take it in a new direction?
Peltelesmek.

Endless possibilities. Think it over, sporting types.